Otto the Cat’s Halloween Rant

AKA a Tuxedo Cat’s Take on Your Halloween Nonsense

*As told to my human, who insists on calling this “content”*

Listen up, humans. I’m Otto, and yes, I’m a tuxedo cat, but every October I become your favorite Halloween prop whether I like it or not. So let’s talk about your obsession with this ridiculous holiday.

The Spending Spiral of Doom

Let’s talk numbers, because apparently you’ve all lost your minds. This year, Americans are spending a record-breaking $12.2 BILLION on Halloween. That’s billion with a B. You’ve officially made Halloween the second-biggest spending holiday after Christmas and honestly, at this rate, you’ll probably eclipse that too by 2026.

Breaking it down: $3.8 billion on costumes (including $700 million on pet costumes alone), $3.5 billion on candy, $3.8 billion on decorations, and $1.1 billion on greeting cards. GREETING CARDS. For Halloween. Who are you people?

Meanwhile, I’m still eating the same food I had in July, but sure, let’s squeeze Fluffy into a hot dog costume for Instagram likes.

I watch you agonize over whether to dress as Barbie or Wednesday Addams while there are perfectly good black cats sitting in shelters because of superstitions you claim not to believe in but somehow still perpetuate every single October.

The “Spooky” Hypocrisy

Here’s what kills me: You put plastic skeletons on your lawn. You hang fake bats from your porch. You spend hours making your house look “haunted.” But a real black cat crosses your path? Suddenly you’re texting your friends about “weird vibes.”

Make it make sense. Not.

The Decorations Death March

Starting September 1st which still summer (because apparently October isn’t enough), you drag out bins of orange and purple garbage that will sit on your porch for exactly 61 days before being shoved back into the garage. That inflatable jack-o’-lantern? It’s been deflated and sad-looking since October 3rd, but you’re committed now.

I’ve knocked over approximately 47 decorative pumpkins this season. You keep replacing them. We’re in a stalemate.

The Party Circuit

And don’t get me started on Halloween parties. You spend weeks planning costumes that are either so obscure no one gets the reference, or so obvious that five other people show up as the same thing. Then you stand around eating candy corn (which, let’s be honest, tastes like sweetened wax) and pretending you’re having the time of your life.

Meanwhile, I’m home dealing with the doorbell ringing every four minutes and small humans shrieking at decibel levels that could shatter glass. Trick or treat my furry ass!

The November 1st Switch-Flip

And here’s my favorite part: November 1st rolls around and suddenly Halloween never existed. You’re already humming Mariah Carey and dragging out the Christmas bins before the leftover candy corn is even stale.

Halloween Safety Tips

But here’s what you’re NOT doing with all that Halloween garbage:

The fake cobwebs?Actual death traps for birds and small animals. Also, I’ve eaten three inches of that stuff and hacked it up on your rug. You’re welcome.

The battery-operated decorations? Those batteries are leaking toxic chemicals in your garage right now. And yes, cats will chew on battery packs if given the opportunity. (Not me, obviously. I have standards. But other cats.)

The plastic pumpkins and décor? Congratulations, that’s going to outlive us all in a landfill. Maybe try donating to schools or theaters instead of buying new stuff every year?

Those LED candles and string lights? Actually not terrible for the environment, but for the love of catnip, UNPLUG THEM before storing. And wrap the cords so cats like me can’t turn them into the world’s worst toy.

**Leftover candy?** Chocolate is literally poison to us. Keep it sealed. Better yet, donate it to food banks or dental buy-back programs instead of leaving it in a bowl at cat-eye level for the next four months.

You want to be eco-friendly? Stop buying disposable costumes. Reuse decorations. Buy candy in bulk with less packaging. And maybe—wild idea—spend some of that $12.2 billion on something that actually matters.

A Modest Proposal

Here’s a thought: Take that $700 million you’re spending on pet costumes and use it to adopt shelter cats instead. Especially the black ones you’re all afraid of for reasons you can’t quite articulate.

We don’t need costumes. We or at least I am already wearing a tuxedo. My pals wear luxurious furs and none of that faux fur crap.

We’re dressed for success 365 days a year.

The Bottom Line

I’m not saying don’t enjoy Halloween. Eat your candy. Watch your horror movies. Go ahead and pretend your suburb is haunted. But maybe—just maybe—spend less time making your pet miserable in a pumpkin costume and more time recognizing that the real magic of October is that shelter cats (black, tuxedo, and otherwise) need homes.

Also, that fake cobweb stuff you spray everywhere? It’s not fooling anyone. Real spiders make better webs, and they don’t charge $12.99 at Party City.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a decorative witch to knock off the mantle and a few spell to concoct.

*Otto is a tuxedo cat, adoption advocate, and professional skeptic who lives with his human (and his one-eyed brother Odin) at Cat Wisdom 101. He’s available for snarky commentary year-round but is especially insufferable during October.*